So the website has moved to new hosting. My old posts are missing their pictures. I am hoping to get things redesigned here, and hoping to fix all the pictures.
I am hoping for a fresh start here on the blog. Over the last week I have really felt the need for a space where I can just express me. The good and the bad. Last week was a particulary stressful with work, family life and my health. Since giving birth to Sophie my fybromyalgia has flared up, and with the stress of work and 4 kids it has reached an all time high in terms of pain and exahustion. This has made me a terrible wife. And a terrible mother.
The more pain I have, the less I sleep, the more irritable and impatient I become. With 4 small this is a horrible combination. There has been lots of yelling and tears. Some days I can’t even have them sit with me becasue them just touching me hurts and is overwhelming. This kids themselves are dealing with their own things from the stresses of a new daycare/house/little sister, which means there is a lot of screaming/crying on their part as well. I can not take it. It feels like it is non-stop.
After being quite harsh with Elisabeth one morning and seeing the hurt on her face, and my husband also brining it up that I was being to harsh with the kids, something had to change. The morning are hard here. My husband leaves for work before 7 am, leaving me to get all the kids up and ready and to daycare on my own. The moment he walks out the door the kids stop listening to me and it turns into a battle between me and them. I start every day with my kids on bad terms. It is aweful. It has to change because I have started to hate my kids. Or at least hate mornings.
Last week I made an appointment with the doctor. I was very nervous about this appointment as fybromyalgia is still not well accepted by many doctors, and there has been some cases in denmark where they have forced some to a mental hospital. However, there is a new young doctor at the practice in our town doing his practicum work, so I thought I would see what would happen. Like I said, things need to change. The doctor listened, and we came up with a plan. We decided to work on my sleep issues, however a sleep aid is not a good option for me as I need to be able to wake up and function at any time with the kids. I don’t particularly pain meds (they make me high, but do nothing for my pain), so we decided to try an antidepressant that is also used for people with insomnia. That was on Tuesday. I had to have an EKG first on Thursday before they would send the prescription. Because we had a holiday Friday, I have not been able to fill out my perscription yet.
As I mentioned last week was a rough week. Yesterday my husband was out for the day helping his father with some stuff with a house that they bought. I was a total mess before he even left. I was exahusted, tired, and I did not want to have another bad day with the kids. I’l be honest, I am pretty sure I won an award for aweful mother of the year yesterday. I thought I had pretty much broken any bond I had with my oldest yesterday. It was a bad day. This morning, within a minute of my husband walking out the door to work, I had a panic attack. I could not deal this morning. I called him back. He got the kids out the door, and I have spent the morning completely drained.
However my kids are amazing. Both Elisabeth and Julius came to me on the couch while I was having my panic attack and just held me, and both said only positive things to me. They told me that it was ok. Julius told me that I could watch my own shows today, and Elisabeth wrapped me up in a blanket so that I would feel better and stay warm. My 5 and 4 year old should never have had to do this, but I am extremely proud of the way they handled it. I guess I didn’t break them after all. But I dont want them to have to do it again.
So today things change. I will pick up my perscription and hope that it gives me the rest I need at night. I have asked my husband to see if he can adjust his hours so that he can be here to help me with the kids in the morning. Once I get through the first couple of weeks on the medication (I have heard the first few weeks are hard) I want to start working on my weight and diet. And I need to blog more. I need to write to get some of the bottle up emotions out.
So that is where I am now. I hope a couple of months from now things are a bit brighter.