2016 has been a rough year. I have been feeling lost in motherhood most of the year. I feel like I don’t know who I am, and I have felt very much alone in may aspects of my life.
For the last 6 years a large amount of my focus has been with my kids, as it should be. However sometimes I get so lost in all the ‘stuff’ with them I forget to do things for me. Life is busy with 4 kids. It is non-stop, constant chaos. There are the endless messes in the house, the endless boo boos that need to be kissed, tantrums that drain me, and wonderful, beautiful moments of laughter.
Chaos. All the time. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad.
But I have become so worried about them and my husband and making sure that we can pay our bills that I no longer feel like myself. I no longer do things I used to be passionate about. For example I used to draw and paint. I haven’t drawn anything in a sketchbook in over a year. I used to read all the time. I used to get outside more. I have even stopped taking pictures that are not work related. And the worst part is, I can’t seem to find my way back to those things. I just don’t have the energy. And… I am too busy.
I lost myself somewhere in the business of motherhood. I can’t pinpoint a single time in the last 6 years that this happened. I am assuming it was gradual. I think there are factors contributing to this as well. I don’t speak English with my kids, so sometimes it is hard to communicate with them on a deeper level, and perhaps harder to be myself around them when I am speaking a foreign language all the time. They why we choose that route are perhaps better suited in another blog post, but I am not going to lie, it is something I struggle with internally. Another thing that makes it all hard is the lack of friendship. We have moved a lot within Denmark. Just when I have found a friend I can connect with and feel comfortable with, we tend to decide to move to another town or city. Luckily, we will not be moving anymore. Then there is the never ending quest of finding success in my business.. and now attending a program that I don’t really want to attend.
I have placed so much burden on myself of just trying to make ends meet that I have completely neglected myself. I have lost myself in motherhood as I try my best do what is right for kids (whether they think so or not) and to help them figure out who they are themselves.
I am exhausted, and honestly don’t want to feel so disconnected with myself anymore. So I am making little changes.
I want to start doing the things that I used to love again. Like reading.. a lot. Like at least a book a month. I am going to starting drawing and painting. And I want to get back to blogging. These are just small things, but they are things that make me feel like me and not like just a mom zombie.