It has been a long time since I written about my fibromyalgia. In fact, which a quick search I can see the last time I wrote about it here was this post where I had just started Mirtazapine back in May 2015. That is almost 2 years ago.. I can’t believe how fast time has gone since that time.

I would love to write how awesome things are going, that the medications were life changing, but I can’t. In fact, between those and some other medications, it put me on a pretty shitty path. In the beginning the Mirtazapine worked well, however after a couple of months my sleeping problems returned and I gained 15kg (33lbs) and was gaining at least 1 kg a week while on the meds, even though I was not eating more than usual. In fact I was eating less to try and stop it. I also started feeling weird in the head, and generally not happy with the circumstances. I saw a different doctor who a friend recommended, and we decided that I should stop the medications right away and work on my stress levels. Starting with taking a break from school (I was still enrolled in my Masters program at the time).

Withdrawal from the meds hit me hard since we did it cold turkey. Honestly a week of hell, but I got over that, and started to work on my stress levels and hoping to reduce my pain levels.

Fast forward the the last couple of months. Here I am almost 2 years later of starting some sort of ‘treatment’ and I am really no better at all. In fact it is becoming a daily struggle. My insomnia has returned as my pain levels have increased again. I am in some sort of pain 24 hours a day. Half of the time I can ignore it, or perhaps try and pretend it isn’t there. Other days, like a day in November, where I was sitting in class almost in tears because I was just so uncomfortable, I can’t. It is there, and it hurts and it makes me miserable. Other times it is distracting. I am always shifting positions while working just to get comfortable. Most of the time just having the kids touch me sends shooting pain through my body and I fight to not push them away (sometimes I fail at this and either push them back or yelp in pain… it is a heartbreaking situation that they don’t understand). It just sucks.

I decided last month to try and ‘treat’ it again and asked for pain medication to help on those days that I just can’t deal. I was perscribed Tramadol. I have used this short term when my back was bothering me, and the last time I used it, after the second pill I got really faint and ended up spending the day in bed. This time around, I read more that you need to take it regularly to adjust to these side effects.

Nope.. not me.. this drug is terrible for me. The first pill of the day is okay. The second I start to feel it…. the more I took it the sicker I would get. The last day I took it, I ended up not being able to stand and puking, then spent the night in bed shaking and in pain as it left my system. It was awful, and enough so that Sean told me that I am never taking that medicine again.

So here I am, back to square one, still in pain and no idea what direction to go from here. Every time I have turned to medications to help with my fibro it has gone wrong. This is incredible frustrating!  And also discouraging. Besides the physical pain I am in all the time, it pains me to not be able to stand having my kids sit with me, and that I easily get overwhelmed and touched out when they are around right now. These usually leads me to being grouchy with them, which isn’t fair.

I am so incredibly lucky that I have a husband who often will go sleep with the kids to try and keep them from waking me at night, because he knows how much my body and mind needs sleep. However, this is less than ideal, because it also leads to tired and grumpy husband. Most of the time he handles it much better than I do though. I have to love him for that.

So where do I go from here? Something has to change…